u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
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in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
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College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?