Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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