i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
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