Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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