Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
