Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
