My hand turned me down
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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