I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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