I'm going to rape someone's good day.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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