I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
