life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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