I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
