The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
