It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
