found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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