There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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