Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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