So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
