I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Houston, we have a blender
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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