I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
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It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
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Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just gargled with NyQuil
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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