my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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