Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
