The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
