At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
