my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA