PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together