He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
