I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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