i think my tv is drunk
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
