remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
