Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
