dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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