Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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