Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
