I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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