Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
