i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
