Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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