doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just gargled with NyQuil
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
