every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
