it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
