omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
