some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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