That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
