I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
