the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
