That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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