Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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