Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
