On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
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