My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
