Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
