i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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