Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
