you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Your dad touched me again.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
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After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
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If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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