Soap is not a condiment
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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