My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
