just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
