I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
are you so shy because you have an std?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
