its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
