distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
