I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
