I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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