$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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