you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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